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Worst part of being trans

March 25, 2024 - transgender

I'm sitting here, reading a book, thinking about the road ahead for me as a trans woman. It feels like I can already tell what's likely the worst part of being trans, at least so far.

You might think it's the bullying. I definitely experienced some of that.

Or maybe it's friction with the family. I definitely experienced that, too.

For me, though, the worst part is time.

Estrogen does what it does. And then you wait.

I got hair replacement surgery. It takes months to even start growing. And then you wait.

Start a series of electrolysis, going regularly. And then you wait (and keep going until it's done).

Schedule surgeries. And then you wait.

Recover from those surgeries. And recovery takes time. So you wait.

The trick is to learn how to be good at waiting. I'll admit, I kinda suck at it. I've been checking my head everyday to see if I can see changes. I don't recommend this.

For a while there I was measuring my chest almost every day. I don't recommend this, either.

I guess the lesson I'm trying to learn here is to ignore it. I'll still very likely be on this path tomorrow. And the next week. And the next month. It's perfectly okay not to watch the grass grow and just be myself and see how things are coming along later. Just find a rhythm, don't stress.

Still, that desire to have the magic button you can press and then wake up fully-transitioned is so strong. Or a button that if you press it you can jump ahead 6 months each time you press it.

We get the days we get. It's up to us to make the most of them. And, if I'm honest with myself, it's up to us to not fill them with stress about what happens today or tomorrow.

I'm learning. I'll get there. But it's going to take some practice.