Two years on HRT

As I start this post, I feel the need to say that being trans and going down the path of intentionally changing my body, the way I'm perceived in the world, and the way I see myself hasn't been an easy journey. But what I can say from here, with what I've experienced, I would never trade it.

I'd love for this look at two years on HRT to strike that balance. To be honest about the challenges and the rewards.

An eye on the horizon

If it's not already obvious, I feel like I'm entering a different phase of being trans. That early enthusiasm and those early wins have passed. Now, we're in the long game. We have to wait for whatever changes come now, which may take their time. As best as I can, I try to remind myself that cis women do not look the same at two years into puberty what they will look like, say, ten years passed the start of puberty.

Something else has come into view over the last year: medical knowledge of inducing a second puberty chemically is very limited. Doctors routinely use things like WPATH and similar to inform their decisions, but anyone trained with a science background that goes and reads those papers will have a migraine. The science is dreadfully bad. Huge parts of the story are missing. Doctors often treat trans women as cis women going through menopause, even though there is limited similarity between the two. Papers written about cis women 60 years old get applied to trans women in their 30s. It's nonsense. Yet, that's where we are.

Instead of trusting a doctor, we become our own amateur endocrinologists. We print out papers and take them in. We fight for ways to experiment on ourselves to help the changes along, and in the end that's really what it is: an experiment. We have no idea why, for example, progesterone works so well for some trans women and doesn't absolutely nothing for others.

So we hack ourselves and find out what it will do for us.

Weathering the storm

Medical frustrations form a part of a larger picture, I'm afraid. The further in I get, the more the word "transmisogyny" blazes in my mind. God, I wish I could say that wasn't true. That somehow people didn't treat trans women, trans politics, and women in general as largely disposable or at least more than objects.

We become othered. Through a thousand cuts it becomes painfully clear you are no longer seen as valuable anymore. I've lost so many friends. Well, people I thought of as my friends for years. It was too easy for them to reject trans people. The implications was that I could stick around if I let it happen, but why would I do that? Why would I work for people who wanted me to shut up about the on-going oppression of people like myself? I open my mouth and immediately fall victim to the same oppression I was pushing back against.

It's so obvious and so clear. And yet, so easy for others to ignore. People can focus on their reputations and the status quo and no one around them is encouraging them to do otherwise. What could be wrong if everyone else is doing it?

What do you do when folks turn their backs? You seek out folks who don't. Naturally many of the friends I've made in the last year are trans. Without community, I would fall, without a doubt. I'm thankful that community is there, and that mutual support is strong. Because as anyone who has watched the news has seen, trans folks are very much at the forefront of a culture war we never asked to be part of.

If it's hard, why do it?

Despite all of the external forces, it's worth it. I sit here writing this, alive. I'm not dying on the inside anymore. The hard choices and the hard road doesn't make the results less important.

My brain is clearer. I've taken control of my life in ways I never was able to before. I've distanced myself from my abusers. My backbone is stronger, and when necessary I stand up for myself and others more than I ever have before.

And, let's put false humility aside for a second. I'm cuter. I glow. Estrogen works for me.

I may not have all the curves I want, but HRT is building a woman out of my body and mind.

The changes

My breasts have grown only very little in the last year (which are actually closer to a B-cup, now that I know better ways to measure). My skin feels nicer. My face is more feminine and goes especially well with glasses.

Most of my body has shifted only slightly from where I started.

If I look at just body changes, I'd get frustrated. And honestly, some days that's exactly what happens.

The real changes, though, for me have been mental ones. The open sky feeling. The access to emotions. Feeling where I'm afraid. Feeling where I'm happy. Where I'm sad. They're all there, like instruments in an orchestra.

Passing

Yes, from time to time, I now get ma'amed. It's nice. I have a decent idea what I need to do on my side to get it more often.

Having said that, I fight back. I resist that this is a thing worth doing. I still intentionally go out wearing something comfortable rather than trying to be as pretty as I can.

Not that I don't have my pretty days. I love looking pretty. I just don't want it to be a requirement. Doing things for the sole purpose of them being expected of you quickly becomes tiring.

When I get misgendered wearing a shapely bra, a girls t-shirt, girl's pants, etc. I just kinda shake my head. People will just people. They're on auto pilot.

Passing is playing for an audience that doesn't pay attention to the world around them. Why worry too much about it?

(Unless of course, you are doing it to stealth for survival.)

Art

Instead, why not play for an audience that does appreciate the details? Heck, sharing a selfie where I'm feeling particularly cute and getting lots of good feedback doesn't hurt either.

Part of community is lifting each other up and listening to each other.

There's something deeper there, though. Many of my friends these days are part of the trans literature community. Most are authors. It's a kind of closeness I never felt before, certainly not as a programmer in open source.

It quickly became so important to me that I co-created a publishing press with my partner focused on publishing trans work. It's still very early days for it, but we wanted somewhere safe from American oppression that could continue to make sure trans voices were heard.

Love

Speaking of my partner... This past year, I fell in love with a beautiful Aussie trans woman. Hard.

I ended up asking her out in October because the sensation in my chest had grown to near bursting. I literally was walking around my apartment repeating out loud "well, at least she'll know, even if she doesn't say yes".

She did, thankfully, say yes. We've been thick ever since. Not that we haven't had times where we dealt with stuff. I've been through a lot from past relationships - sexual abuse, emotional abuse, etc. That stuff still comes up from time to time, and we're learning how to best work through it.

Being able to be in a relationship on HRT, feeling my feelings and being able to share and communicate better than I ever have? I highly recommend it. I don't want to go backward. I don't want to feel discomfort and have no idea how to address it.

Doesn't hurt that I'm not trying to be a man in a relationship anymore... What a total waste of energy.

The path ahead is covered in fog

I would never have been able to predict where things are today a year ago. I have no doubt that the coming year might be similar. The initial changes have happened, but now the new waves of social, interpersonal, and internal changes have begun. The only way to know what will happen is to experience it.

I'm looking forward to the journey ahead. May it be a healing journey. And, if we're lucky, an empowering one.